S2 E1: Remembering Who the F** You Are

This raw and real episode marks the return of Juicy! The Podcast for Season 2. It’s a spacious, soul-stretching conversation between Lola and Olivia about identity, masking, womanhood and remembering yourself after times of massive change.

Lola shares how a year of deep renovation — both external and internal — became a portal for transformation, triggering old patterns and revealing new truths about stress, identity and the invisible labour women carry. 
 
 Olivia reflects on her parallel process: moving between homes, relationships, and family dynamics, noticing how stress reactivates old masks and roles.

Together they explore:

• How stress and change can make us forget who we are.
• The difference between masking and authenticity, and how even “good stress” can activate old survival modes.
• The invisible emotional load of women, often unseen and unacknowledged, especially in homes and relationships.
• The inner “Trad Wife” archetype — the pull toward being the good, accommodating woman — and the tension between freedom and conditioning.
• The role of loss, grief and creative rebirth in remembering yourself.
• The need for safe, non-performative spaces where we can be witnessed without armour.
• The sacred process of levelling up through forgetting and how losing yourself can be part of remembering at a higher level.

It’s a tender, humorous, and deeply human reflection on what it means to come home to yourself after the masks drop, the chaos settles, and the new life begins to take shape.

**Ready to find your way back to yourself?**

If this conversation stirred in you that quiet pull to come back to yourself,
 you’ll love Reconnect: A 30-Day Reset to Remember Who the F*ck You Are.

It’s a practical, soulful framework to help you reset in 30 days — guiding you through reflection prompts, grounding practices and gentle daily shifts that rebuild your connection to who you truly are.

Explore Reconnect here and begin your 30-day remembering.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04: 1:18

Hello, hello everyone, welcome back. Juicy Podcast is back, season two, baby. We are so happy to be here. It's your girl, Liv.

SPEAKER_02: 1:28

And Lola's here too, of course. I'm gonna say we've we're so rusty, we're rusty. You should see us back here. We're so rusty. We haven't done an episode since I think February. And now it's October. So we're in early October. And so that's been ages. I don't know how many months that is as lots, and life has been life in for us as it has been life in for you, as the world. Fucking the world. Like, what the actual fuck. Um, we just want to get back in it, babes. We just want to, yeah, we're here, we're here. We're here. We turn the page. Turn turning the page. I feel like I'm turning the page. This is it. Oh how you lot doing? Yeah.

unknown: 2:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 2:18

Oh, it's good to be back, isn't it? It is actually. It does feel lovely to be back. It's really nice. And we were thinking about well, we that this is so organic and um feminine in terms of energy. Um for now, might change. Um, but we were thinking feels fucking um extreme. I wouldn't even go. We were whatever's beneath the thinking about what to talk about today. Because we just rock up to these things actually. Without an agenda, um works for us. Because to be fair, if we had an agenda, it doesn't mean that we would follow the agenda, so it doesn't mean anything. Um, we're both quite okay with a bit of spontaneity and flow, but anyway, bottom line of what I'm trying to say is the topic that emerged organically today is remembering who the fuck you are. Remembering who the fuck you are. Who the fuck are you? I feel like I've got Tourette's. I just want to swear and swear and swear. But seriously, who the fuck are you? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 3:45

Just giving that a little bit of space to land in the room.

SPEAKER_03: 3:54

Yeah. Nicely timed for me anyway, this topic. Really nicely timed.

SPEAKER_02: 4:01

How did we get here? Let's share. I I mean, I don't I say that as if I don't remember, but let's see what comes out of our mouths. Why are we doing remembering who the fuck you are? And it like the swearing is so necessary, seriously. I'm not gonna remembering who you are, fuck off. Remembering who the fuck you are. I'm very sweary today. My hormones, I'm angry, I'm perimenopausal. This is who the fuck I am. This is part of who the fuck I am. And I feel like really, I honestly feel like fucking bringing it, bringing it, bringing it, so that anyone that doesn't like it is like, all right, bitch, stop swearing and fuck off. Fuck off. Do you know what I mean? If you want to be here, be here. This is for you. If it's for you, if it's not for you, fuck off. That's where I am.

SPEAKER_04: 4:54

I love it. I love it. Yeah, I think that the um I think that the juicy podcast is is this a living breathing thing. And we were recently talking about you know, we've been doing this now for I think two years is since we started the podcast. Maybe two and maybe longer, but we took we take these nice long pauses if we feel like that's what's needed. And we've been talking about coming back and doing a second season, and we've been talking about what the juicy podcast is, and it is really a vehicle for realness. It's like what is real? And so, this question of who the fuck are you is an important question, and I think it's an important question for us to answer ourselves, but I think it's an important question for anyone listening. If this is like you know, we're what five minutes in, you're like, okay, there might be something here for me. I actually I think I might need to remember who the fuck I am, or maybe that's what's actually happening in my life right now. Uh so yeah, I'm glad we're starting with this. I don't know. I I think how do we get here? Well I think remembering who the fuck you are is really important when things are changing, and things are changing right now in our lives, in the world. So much has changed since we last recorded at the beginning of the year. It's been a rough old year. It really has.

SPEAKER_02: 6:33

It has I'm I feel quite certain that a lot of people, most people need to remember who the fuck they are right now, especially right now, you know, the ground's shifting so much beneath our feet, it's fucking rocky. I can't believe how rocky it is, you know. Like I've never seen it like this, and even like my son the other day, he's 16 now, and he feels stuff deeply all the time. And he was even saying, like, he's been saying for years, like the world, ever since like 2019, he's been like, Oh mum, is it my imaginations? The world feels different to you, whatever. And um he said to me yesterday, he asked me, Is this like the worst you've ever seen? It like is this normal? Like, have you seen it like this before? What happens? And I was like, and it's funny that you asked me that because I asked my mum a few days ago the same question, you know. My mum watches the news all the time, and obviously she's older than me, and so I just said to her as well, I was like, Have you ever seen it like this before? You know, because maybe hey, she might be like, Yeah, in the 70s, and then this happened, and like, but even she was like, nope, never. And I had to say the same thing to my son, I was like, No, I haven't in my lifetime. I have never seen this madness that we are living through, and and I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't, you know, and nobody does, you know, we can have guesses and shit. I mean, there's certain things you can that look like they want to happen or they're trying to happen, you know. There's playbooks totally being played out right now by the dark forces, but um not sure what's gonna happen. I'm not sure what's gonna happen, but the bottom line of it all is you know, we've been away. The this this topic that kind of crystallised for me this morning comes from we've been away from the podcast, living our life. My life has completely consumed me. It's been Renovation City, and that is not for the faint-hearted in my home for most of this year, really, pretty much February until last week, and I've had some little breaks here and there, but it's a lot, you know, it's really a lot renovating. And um, if you've done it before, you know. Um, sorry, I just went into sort of like a trauma response there, but it's really been a lot, it's taken my system. I feel like it's like the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've done all sorts of stuff, but this has been really hard for me, and what it's sort of triggered and activated in my system and my body. Been very blessed with our builders and everyone involved who've had like a dream team, it's been amazing. It couldn't have been any smoother, but the thing itself is disruptive, and also um yeah, change it. There's a lot of change, you're changing your space. We've been taking everything right back to brick. This is not just the liquor paint job, and so um feeling fixing things, fixing leaks, fixing all sorts of things that come up, right? And I'm not the person, and I knew this, but I'm not the person, the same person who went into this process is not the one that's coming out, the other side. Um, and even though the renovation itself started this year, well, the bulk of it, this whole process is several years long, you know. We just get to see the physical part of it now. So it's actually like 2021, this whole process starts in. So we've been holding this big old thing for a long time, which actually is, as a friend of mine gave me this terminology, I love it. Been playing like um ancestral chess. Because it has it's been massive, it's been so big, anyways. Here I am, battered, bruised, not who I was. The process itself has been like a massive portal, you know. We go through things in life, and I think they are like portals sometimes if you think about it, in terms of you don't just kind of here I am, me as I am, go through it, come out the other end, exactly the same person. You know, well, people like me don't anyway. There's all of these kind of there's been so many lessons, every day's like a rich workshop, fucking I don't know, it's just been a big, big, big, big process externally, but internally as well, right? You can't really have an external renovation without an internal renovation, too. So most of the time for a while, I've been like, who the fuck am I? I don't even know who the fuck I am now, and then it's slowly certain threads are starting to sharp again. Of like, oh god, yeah, oh you know, it helps for me, other people help, you know, wise friends who know you, coaches, etc. They've helped, little bits are popping through. Um and I'll this is what I want to say, this is the important piece. Think in times of stress, there's like a reversion that can happen. You can revert back to some uh older version of you that you ain't seen for a long fucking time. And that's and I'm not sure if that's even the right way to look at it, because it might actually just be like a um a layer of healing that taking place. Doesn't really matter what it is, but what happens is it's this feeling of being like dragged right back into old patterns, and what my biggest old pattern, I think I can say that is masking. Not on purpose, not even consciously, but masking. And so yeah, I felt like these little threads of remembering who the fuck I am um recently around things like mischief, playfulness, um chaos, like kind of in my truth, it is who I am. I'm pretty chaotic. Um in a good way. I don't see chaos as a bad thing. There's these little threads anyway coming through. Um, not the mask, which is I don't know, like together, composed. I do like some composure, but you know, you know what I mean? There's the mask is so minimizing anyway, and the mask kind of took over a little bit again, and yeah, there's like values for the mask, and there's values for the truth, and the values for the mask subtly had kind of crept in while I was just like stretched to my absolute limit, um, and all sorts of parts of me were activated. Um I don't know how much sense I'm making, whatever. Oh babe, you're making so much sense. Okay, good.

SPEAKER_04: 14:04

You really are because it's like ping ponging something in me. It's like I appreciate you naming the masking piece because oh, it's so helpful. It's so helpful. So obviously, I've been watching witnessing you in this renovation, transformation. So, like your home, and I think it's worth mentioning, it's also like your family home. It's like a home you have with your family, originally your parents' home, now with you and your mom and your partner and son. Like, there's something about the origin of like renovating the original home and that kind of process. It's not like a new canvas, it's like you're working with an old canvas, making it into something new. There's all this old like legacy of memories, and I think as you're speaking, it's dotting the lines for me about where my own version of that's been happening in my own my world, which has looked like living with my family, living with my mum and my brother and and my nieces and nephews, and I've also I don't think by the time we last recorded I had met my partner, but now I've met my partner, and I spend also a lot of time living with him, and so that's a big new change in my life. And in both of those places, I've noticed that I can easily fit into this role. I start playing a particular role that I think is the one that is needed, and I think is the one that is um I'm sort of obligated to play or I'm supposed to play. And as you're speaking, I'm like, oh, the reason that feels like shit sometimes is because it's a fucking mask. And I feel like these last six months, especially, I've been fighting with it because I've been fighting with well, there's not been much room for my creative self, my chaotic self, my expressed self, my messy self. It's all been a bit like heavy lift, and it's all felt very much like that's what's been happening inside of the home. And I'm wondering about something about house and home and the connection to masking that I think is really interesting, like in our own home, how a mask comes on in our own home, but actually that's really common. It's really, really common. So, yeah, you made loads of sense, and I think it's helpful to see the stress piece and how stress uh how much easier it is to mask up when we're stressed, and so I experience it like a bit of a protection, like, well, I'll just do what I know is right and familiar to get me through this time because I'm so fucking sensitive and overwhelmed that I I need to wear it. Like I'm used, I need to just fit in somewhere here um to cope, and then I forget who the fuck I am in that process.

SPEAKER_02: 17:15

Yeah, like yeah, we're really untangling something here because I feel like I'm actually also maybe processing as I'm speaking, to be honest with you. Um this is helpful though, because I'm I'm guessing what happens, this is what it feels like happens for me anyway, is that like you said, stress comes in, and honestly, like this is immense levels of stress, and there's don't get me wrong as well, there's also part of me that feels like um I was trying to think how to say it. There's a part of me that feels like it sounds really weird, but it's almost like an honour, it's weird, an honour to experience this much stress at this time in my life because I feel like it's been good stress, it's like stress, it's not it's it's stress of progress, and it's also stress that I wouldn't have been able to handle at many other times in my life before. So it's almost like the strangest kind of reward. Um yeah, that's what I kind of sense. If we look at things neutrally, like of course, there's a place to look at it through the lens of like bog standard humanness, but we're not bog standard humans. Do you know what I mean? So we don't really look at the world. I think that's part of the masking, if I'm honest with you. To look at the world as a bog standard human is how is my masking because it's like, oh, this is how people kind of operate. You know what I mean? Like we're aliens or something of our neuro neuro spicy selves. Like, oh, is this what people do? Okay, this is what people people you gotta do this. People like it when you just say, like, if they say, How are you? you've got to say fine, don't start really telling them they don't really care, don't start telling them everything. Anyway, don't start oversharing and giving way too much information. Don't always do that.

SPEAKER_00: 19:05

I know me too. Always do that, and it's the facial expression, and then they're like, Oh, okay, well, take care of yourself, have a nice day.

SPEAKER_02: 19:18

Now, oh man, anyway, but what I'm trying to say is stress comes in. Definitely it does feel like some kind of what's that thing that technology does where it roll rolls back, it's almost like a rollback to like an earlier, I don't know, default factory settings or whatever. And of how you coped, how you learned to cope when you were a kid with too much going on. Because that's what it is, isn't it? It's like stress, too much. This is too much for my system. I know too much for my system. That was my entire childhood. That's been my entire life, and also feeling like unsupported and unhelped, really, as a kid, um, to have to manage this shit. So, what did I do? I'm masked up, I armoured up, like I'm a deep feeler, just like my son, actually. But mine was not, you know, he's got the freedom to feel it. I didn't have that, right? I didn't have the protection and stuff required to, or even the the the help with developing a good relationship with it, etc. etc. I'm learning all that as an adult. I'm in the I'm I'm continually in the process of learning that now. So whilst giving it, whilst you know, giving it to my child, giving my child something I've didn't actually bloody receive in real time. Yeah, sorry, I'm just listing off my laundry list of shit. But, anyways, the bottom line is I think that it kind of it's almost like that default stress res um response maybe kicks in when it really is too much, and um and that's why it becomes like I've forgotten who the fuck I am, yeah. Because once upon a time I was so heavily identified with the old stress response, which I just was my life, um, and I didn't know. I thought that was me. I thought that was me, and I've had periods of that this year where I've been like, Where where's all my fucking truth gone? Where's all the wisdom gone? Where's what? Like I know I don't I know I don't even believe this thing I'm thinking right now, but hey ho, seems like I've got to go on this ride. Um and that's part of the reason why it's like we haven't been here because I think in anything I do in my life for other people, that's not about me, and it's not my family, I want to give from the overflow, and there ain't been no overflow, people. So there's been nothing to give you, and I'm not gonna give you from my empty cup because we're not trying to do martyrdom, we're trying to unlearn martyrdom, we're not interested in the accolades we get for the showing up. Imagine if we showed up consistently every week, just forcing us at forcing it's just not who we are, it's just not what we're trying to do here, yeah. Yeah, god, even as I'm talking, I can just feel my brain. I don't even think my brain's on.

SPEAKER_04: 22:33

I really love what you're saying because this question of where is the truth and the wisdom. Oh uh so two things. One, I love the emphasis on the good progress, and I really think that is true. I feel similarly, you know, a lot of my stress has been rebuilding my business, has been navigating a new relationship, has been supporting my family. These things are all really meaningful to me, and all things I really wanted, and all things that I've called in and created for myself. And it's just that like new beginning of managing lots of different things, um, and and and not really knowing how to do it just yet, and not know how to do it from an unmasked place, not knowing how to do it from an from a like truly organic place, sort of really having to trust the unfolding of life. Um, and you know, naturally there's a lot to manage. And so to me, that's the that kind of good stress. Um, but I think there's something about when our stress interacts with other people's stress.

SPEAKER_02: 23:36

Oh my god, yes.

SPEAKER_04: 23:38

I think that's when it it becomes, you know, when you're operating in a system, a family, a couple, um, a dynamic, uh, a team, you know, there's there's your stress and then there's other people's stress, and everyone manages that differently. And then, you know, relationally it can be really challenging. So I think that sort of stress gets compounded when there's multiple people involved in whatever is happening. So in your case, right, you've got your entire family affected by the renovation, and you're all living together and you're all adapting and it's changing all the time, and everybody's sensitive in different ways, and everyone's got different needs, and then you're kind of holding it. It's like there's a lot of different pieces to compound the stress, the good stress, but it's compounded, so it's a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 24:26

Yeah, that's it's true, and I think what I love about when we get together and we speak is it feels like things that are kind of invisible. I like the fact that I think we speak about invisible things, yeah. In a world where the visible, the tangible is king, yeah, but the reality is the visible, the tangible isn't everything, and it comes usually out of the intangible and the invisible. So the power lies, a big chunk of power lies in the invisible and the intangible. And I think as women, because it's women, that's that's the thing that's kind of just I keep hearing as we're speaking. It's there's a lot here that is about women because I think both of us this year, what I love about us as well is we experience things in parallel, yeah. There's that different on the top. If you're only going to go by the visible and the tangible, it looks different, but it's actually like very similar themes and patterns. So we've had a big pattern around um coming back into our families as we are now, and doing some kind of healing work. I think there's a piece that feels important in life that you move away from your family, whatever that means, whether it's a different country or you move out or whatever, you start to separate, that's important. Um that but there is a time where that can turn into avoiding, and there's a time when there's like a return, right? So we've been navigating that, that's not for the faint-hearted neither. And when you said that so when you said about holding all the different people's stress responses, what came through my mind was yeah, I come from very I come from very dysregulated people. My god, these motherfuckers be dysregulated like a motherfucker, babe, constantly. Dysregulation is normal to them, right? Yep. Ooh. That's not for the faint-hearted, right? So I love that because it's like it's true, it's like it's not these these little things, like, yes, on one level, it's like, oh god, you're getting work done, oh, must be so stressful. Yep. But it is it's like you're right, it's the the way I deal with things, it's the fact that I'm like, well, it's the fact that my man is just Mr. wants to do. Let's just do, let's keep going and doing. And I'm like, mate, everyone's fucked up, man. I think we need a break, yeah. I don't think you quite realise how much this is affecting everyone. You know, loads of kind of autism in the house, loads of resistance to change, like loads of things to manage, loads of like um meltdown, I suppose, type behaviour. When and you know what? I'm not even talking about my son. He's been amazing, like he has done so fucking well. He really has, he's done so well. Bless him. He really does deserve like a big reward for it because I know how difficult it is for him, but um, yeah, it's managing all of these invisible things, knowing like women sometimes it feels to me like I mean, I don't know, because I don't want this to be. I'm talking generally, so just get over yourselves. Now I just want to say this because one thing I noticed and I don't like about this goddamn world that we're living in at the moment is the opinions. I'm getting sick of the fucking opinions, yeah. And it's kind of this constant like, what about this and what about that? Let's be real. This is a podcast, these are our opinions. We're not can't cover everything, it's not a book, we're not we're not at university, we're not trying to teach you anything like that. So I'm speaking generally about men and women, and I don't really care if there are exceptions to that. Get over it. I don't, you don't need to come at me. I'm not interested. Okay, we're clear? Good. So women, for me, we hold a lot of that invisible. We talk about the invisible load of women, right? I don't actually think men can see it. That's how it seems to me. I think for ages we've just felt like they're doing it on purpose. I don't think they've got the hardware. I think they can't see certain things. That's why it's like tends to be women that bring the warmth to a home, that bring care to a home, you know, men can be quite like, oh yeah, yeah, that'd be fine. Oh yeah, just do this, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, this kind of energy. Oh, it's not a big deal. No, no, no, no. No fucking idea of actually what we are bringing to the proceedings. Yeah. Enjoying the fruits. Enjoying the fruits. Anyway, so what I found really interesting this year was I felt like I got possessed by some old-time patriarchal woman bullshit. Because I've sometimes found myself in situations where I'm like, how am I here? Like, what's going on? Like, why is it down to me? Like feeling all those kind of resentful kind of feelings, this kind of burden, resentment, and uh what's that, unappreciated, that kind of stuff. And that surprised me because I was like, I feel a bit like I didn't even live this the first time around. Like, where the fuck has this just come from? Why have I turned into woman? Woman under the patriarchy? Or why do I feel this pull to be woman under the patriarchy? So it's been a constant like fight with that. And I when I say fight, I probably mean like choice. It's it's I've had to really watch that. I've had to watch, it's been internal, you know. It's not coming from outside of me, it's coming from inside of me. Somewhere inside of me, there's this weird conditioning that was like I don't know, what was it fucking saying? I don't even know what it was saying, but it was almost like shoulds. It was like you should, you should, you should, you should, you should be this, you should be doing that. And like I like cooking, actually. I do like cooking, it's a it's a it's a source of grounding for me. I really I mean I've learned a lot about how much I appreciate the kitchen since I've not had one for the last five weeks. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, oh, kitchen's important, way beyond cooking. But um, yeah, so it's never like I'm stuck in the kitchen chained to the sink, you know, do it. That's not me, it's not it's not who I am. I've never been that person, but it's it's crazy how there has been some weird oh my god, trad wife just came up. This weird inner trad wife. Oh my god, babe, maybe we've all got inner fucking trad wives. That's what it is. We've never named it that before.

SPEAKER_04: 31:04

I definitely have that 100%. Where the fuck did that come from? Yeah, yeah. There's a there's a big and it's this is an illusion to shattering for me right now because I just don't know in the reality of. My life where it fits, but there's a big fantasy around being a traditional wife. Oh, wanting that. Wanting, really wanting that, really being like, oh my god, yeah, that's all I want. You know, but at the same time, there's it's partly true, but there's so many other things I want as well. And there's so many other parts of me that you know, I want it. What's the word? I mean, let out, like be. There's so much more um inside. And yeah, I've been really coming up against this, like, what's my conditioning that doesn't actually fit and what actually feels true to my values and what feels true to what I want. And I don't really feel 100% clear on that, you know, especially learning in a relationship as well. And you know, it's like it feels like we can enter into a relationship thinking there's a certain way you should be, and you just be that, and then actually you get into one, and each couple's different, and you come together and merge, and you both bring something unique to each other's lives, and it feels like I'm learning on the job that you sort of design what works for both of you, and there's a lot of trial and error inside of that. But I find the conditioning around this in both directions, actually, in the direction of wanting to be a good, perfect, traditional housewife, and then the absolute rejection of that. Please please stop saying that. Then the absolute rejection of that on the other side of like that's absolutely horrific. No, no, no. Like that that I feel like I've really lived the two extremes and been influenced by the two extremes. And then I'm like, who the fuck am I in the middle of that? I don't know. This is the remembrance that's going on right now. I don't actually know. I know that I am a very ambitious woman when it comes to like my commitment to my creativity, and there's just so much that still wants to be birthed and brought into the world, and I feel committed to that as a sort of mother of my creativity. I also want to be a mother. Um, I also want to get married, I also um want to be taken care of. There's just so much. I uh it's complicated, and I'm sure many people feel that conflict.

SPEAKER_02: 33:46

Yeah. I think what surprised me, this even just by the way, us speaking about this now on this um podcast is um I feel like a remembering is happening for me, which is great, because I'm remembering, because also my memory's not fantastic, like quite literally not really a memory person, right? Have a bit, have ADHD, don't think it's all just that. I do also think I'm a present person, you know, like we're doing this right now, nothing else exists, and I kind of live my life a bit like that. Out of sight, out of mind, but um, I'm remembering that I have spent the last few years, I don't even know, supporting women, many women across the world in uh understanding who they are as women. And I'm not the kind of coach that just does work with other people, like I live my work, and so we're talking like hundreds of women everywhere, like all the continents, maybe not Antarctica, but who I don't think anyone cared about that though. That that level of nuance wasn't that level of specificity was not needed. Anywho, um and so I think I'm just coming back to this, you know. So I've been doing a lot of that work with organizations, but then also on top of that, before that, I was doing I've just been supporting women in understanding who the fuck they are for the last I don't even know how many years, I can't tell you, many, many years, and also doing my own work alongside that. And I have my own system that helps people do that as well. Like I've I'm not new to this, and this is part of it. As I was listening to you speak, and I was like, as I'm remembering, I'm like, oh, this is part of it, babe, isn't it? You know, every time you level up, it's a levelling up, basically. Like it's part of leveling up to forget. If you don't forget who the fuck you are, you ain't leveling up. Yeah, you're not, you're not, because you're dying, because it's it's deaf, isn't it? It's like old parts of you dying, old identities dying, old, you know, so that new stuff will come through. It's disorienting, it's supposed to be, it's uncomfortable, it's a bitch, but it's it's going in the right, it's just part of the process of going in that direction, and that's kind of what I'm remembering as you're speaking, because I've been so deep in my own process. Um, and analysis hasn't really been on the table. I'm not really in analysis mode, it's just been like living mode, you know, like letting the process, like you said, unfold, trusting it because new horizons are available. I had a coaching session yesterday, was it, with my wonderful coach Sarah, and the metaphor that came to me was that like I've arrived on a new island. I've just arrived. That's all. I don't know much about this island right now. I I've yet to explore it. I'm also not here for a short time. You know, I'm not here for like a week, so there's no urgency, there's no like, oh, I need to check everything out now. I've only here for a week, I've only got limited time. No, no, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here for the foreseeable. There's time. I don't feel in any hurry or rush to explore this island. I actually feel like all I need to do right now is chill, hang. You know, that kind of feeling of like when you go somewhere new and you just I don't know, if people are different, but for me it's like I actually just need to land and be and almost just maybe energetically be in the the space. That's where I am on this new island.

SPEAKER_03: 37:44

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 37:46

I love that metaphor. I find metaphors so helpful, and I also have Sarah, and I had a session with Sarah on Monday um this week. Was it Monday or was it last week? Anyway, it's like metaphors.

SPEAKER_02: 38:04

Um, it was last week, babes.

SPEAKER_04: 38:07

I remember last week. Yeah, okay. Um I love the way that metaphor can really help us to orient. Like, I feel like part of reminding women um who the fuck they are and remembering themselves, and my works crosses similar lines with women, it's really important, I think, to orient and know where you are. So if you're on a new island, you just landed, you need to fucking know that's where you are. You need to know that like you're in completely new territory right now, and to be able to have language to describe the invisible, like you said, right? Like, I'm experiencing something in my life right now, I've forgot myself because that's what happens when we're leveling up, that's what happens when we're growing, that's what happens when we're kind of losing our sense of self and identity because things have changed. We need to kind of where are our roots? Where are our roots? And I was feeling last night, um, I was in a meeting, and the theme was around loss and grief. And a lot of people were speaking about, you know, losing loved ones and family members, and you know, all the different ways and myriad of ways that they'd experienced loss in their lives. And the thing that came out of my mouth was like, oh, this past year for me has been just like absolutely filled with loss, and it's not necessarily been the loss of one person, it's been the loss of a home that I had and the significance of that home. And like I knew I had to let go of my home in Paris, but that was like the only home I'd had in over a decade that was just mine, and I haven't recreated that yet. I've got now a scenario where I've got two shared spaces, neither of them are my home. I don't have what I had before, I have something different, and it's helpful for me to orient to that that like I am sort of still straddling different two different things. I haven't yet got that like anchor in one place that I had before. And when I reflect on, you know, letting go of my business and in the form that it was before, and I have been in this past six months, or however long it's been since we last recorded, I've been just re-rebirthing. It's been coming through these like new beautiful tendrils and sprouts of this new beginning. And I can feel that if I hadn't had allowed myself to experience the loss and the grief and really go into completely losing myself over the last year or so in that process, I wouldn't have been able to fertilize this new beginning, like the grief and the loss of identity and like forgetting myself and then the re-remembrance. That's actually what's allowed this really fresh, healthy new beginning to emerge in my life. And that's kind of where I, if I'm going to orient to a place, I'm at I'm at, you know, that the sun is rising again very slowly on the new life. I can't see the new life yet. I'm just experiencing the very early stages of that and remembering, you know, what it feels like to have that, and that there's a sort of receiving and and just being that's required here. Um, I mean, don't get me wrong, I've been trying to speed a fucking head 10 million miles an hour to be somewhere else because that's sort of what I do when I'm overwhelmed. But if I was to really be like, where am I? I would say I'm at the very, very beginning of a new beginning. And like that, that's sort of I'm standing on the hill, and that's the beautiful sign is just starting to come up, and I'm starting to see the new beginning and the possibilities and the colours and the feelings, but that's it. That's all I know. You know, I don't have the full picture, just yet. Just yet. Yeah, I don't think it's meant to be different, you know. Sometimes we're like, why can't we just see everything? I have this in um in a lot of my clients recently when I'm working with people, they're like, I just want to be able to see the full thing. I'm so frustrated that I can't see it. You're not meant to see it yet.

SPEAKER_02: 42:19

Yeah, and I think it's a great thing to go through. See, I'm just I'm remembering it's so cool. I'm remembering all of these things, and what I'm remembering right now is that it's a great thing to go through as a coach. Yeah, it's almost like refresher training is what it is. Yeah, it's like a I I need to go through this. This is this is definitely all I don't explain, let me slow down because that's another thing. My brain and my words are just not on the same page, but we try, we keep trying. But it's like um every time I go through things like this, I hate it. I'm with you. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it so much. You know I hate it. I'll I'll moan and whinge, and you know, it's uncomfortable. I find it so bloody uncomfortable, and I just want to escape from my own skin, and I can not. It's like I want to take it off, like there's nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, and then and also I can't really numb out like I used to, they're not as it's not as enjoyable as it used to be. So it's like I suppose we've got to stay here, but you know, it doesn't matter how many times you go through this. Also, I'm realising it's I think there's a such a value in going through it to really be able to hold others through it, you know. I don't want to hear from some fucking you can tell the difference. I don't want to hear when I'm going through this, I'm very tender, I'm very delicate, you know. Part of the reason why I masked and armoured up in the first place was because I had to protect myself. There was nobody around to protect me when I was younger in the way that I needed to be protected. So that was a fantastic response, you know. Well done, little Lola, you did a good job. And now it's different. Yeah, now I can actually take care of us. And I won't put us in situations, I won't, you know, I won't put us around people. I feel very strongly about that. It's like, no, I will not put you around unsafe people, even slightly unsafe. You'll only be around, you know, people that you can feel free to fully be yourself with, but you feel like you don't have to mask, etc. And I have people like that in my life, you know, thank God. Don't remember the point I'm trying to make. I've no idea. Maybe it'll come back.

SPEAKER_04: 45:00

I it it it's to me it's it sounds like it's about the I'm in Bah.

SPEAKER_02: 45:14

It's about I think it's about having space held for you when you are in this. So what I'm not interested in is the trite massive amongst us who have got their pre-installed phrases ready to go, right? Not interested in that, who don't who've never even challenged their armour a day in their fucking lives, who's in still so heavily identified with their fucking mask. Don't not interested. You have no clue what I'm doing right now. You cannot, okay. In the last couple of weeks, week or so, like I said, I've had that session with Sarah, amazing, and I've also had a really long good conversation with Bob, and both of them have just been so reminding of who I am, you know, and also not only rem remembering who I am, but also getting quite a good look at who I've thought I was, you know, or what I've been possessed by. It feels like a possession. I'm gonna use that word, what I've been possessed by. Yeah. So those things and and there's some degree of us doing that now as well, right? We're the environment that we are in is safe enough, and um it's more than safe, there's something else here. I don't know what it is, but it's safe enough, tender enough, brave enough, illuminating enough. There's something you know, there's certain qualities in this space that then allows me to remember. And it's so interesting because you know, you said about you speed up. My third, what I've really got to see again is like, wow, what I do when I'm stressed. I also I'm mad, babe. The speed is insane. Everything is like the whole vibe of me is like, come on, come on, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. Nothing moves fast enough, right? I I do I do tend to have a bit of a fast pace, so that is true, but it's just fucking gets turned right up, and it becomes very intolerant of anyone who can't be at that pace, and no one really can. So it becomes like, what the fuck is everyone so slow? What's wrong with everyone? Tense, you know, I'm just tense and I'm gripping and I'm controlling and it's horrible and it's painful for me, right? So then I'm in pain, and they say, hurt people, hurt people, and I've really felt that like, oh god, that's you know, let's take it out of just like, oh, hurt people, hurt people. You know, it's nice to have the experience of being like, wow, look how I'm behaving because I'm in pain, because I'm in I'm uncomfortable, and then when that discomfort passes, and it is just like, oh my god, everything looks so different now. Like, you know, I want to be all soft and tender again. Um, and none of that is bad. I want to just say all of that is just very normal, all of that is a human experience. You know, I'm not I don't ever want anyone to think I'm ever putting out stuff that's just kind of like, and when you're like this, it's good, and when you're like this, it's bad. It's just not it's just not my thing. It's um it's a let that's a level, I get it. That's a level of growth. I don't work at that level, I've been not been at that level for a really, really long time. It's something to keep moving past, I think. Yeah, because really we want to be open to the whole breadth of the human experience as best we can. My nervous system can handle more than that, and so that's what I do. But it's been really humbling in a good way to experience it. It's almost like a uh and actually what happens, I'm remembering now, what tends to happen after this is that the level of work that I do increases significantly, and it's usually in the past, it's usually been when I've been in a club with um with a client who's going for a particularly challenging time, and I'm able to hold them at this whole new level, and something happens that's good, and I instantly have that thought of like, oh, that's because of just what I went through. And then it's like I feel proper grateful. It's almost like, oh, it's all worth it. Like if it helps, if it's able to help someone else, so it actually it's just a process that you're getting put through again. It's the up level. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 49:52

I think there's something very generous, and and people don't like this. I don't like this when I'm like slowed down by someone, especially when I'm speedy gonzales. But I think there's a there's a thing that happens where when we're trying to go really fast, we actually end up going really fucking slow, slower than we even need to be, because nothing's working.

SPEAKER_05: 50:10

Yep.

SPEAKER_04: 50:11

Like we're just spread fucking everywhere, we're nowhere, nothing's really moving. And I think that there's a certain skill and wisdom that comes from the experience of knowing the benefit of actually being where you are and learning to thug along at that pace, trusting the spaciousness, the speed, and being able to physically embody that place, be there, like rather than you know, that reactivity, that constant reactivity. Um to because ultimately life is so fucking noisy and distracting. You will get swept up so fast in other people's bullshit, other people's timelines. And I think there's something really important when you're remembering who the fuck you are, that you remember your unique rhythm and speed, and like you know what that actually fucking feels like because it it's actually unique. I don't see that many people able to do that very easily.

SPEAKER_02: 51:10

Yes, absolutely. This is self-leadership, this is what this is. All of this, what we're describing, this is all self-leadership, and I'm what I'm hearing as we're speaking is what we're talking about is not only remembering who the fuck you are, but also noticing like when or where the fuck you are.

SPEAKER_04: 51:35

Yeah, yes, yes, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yes, that this is where so many of us forget ourselves because we don't want to be where we are, you know. It might be embarrassing, it might feel you know, I can relate myself to um to you know, this past year where I've been like, what do you mean? I'm a fucking beginner in business. What do you mean I don't know what the fuck I'm doing? What do you mean that? I'm feeling financial insecurity, like I'm feeling it. Like it has been so humbling to revisit places that I've been before, revisit them again at this time in my life, and and actually the fight in it is denial. Is when I really get to like receive the fruits of this time because it is a new beginning, and life is actually full of beginnings and endings. That is how life goes. That illusion of we just progress in a linear fashion and just get you know bigger and better and stronger, and it's just patriarchal, patriarchal bullshit. We get the rug pulled from under our feet, we don't know when that's gonna happen. We can obviously protect ourselves and prepare, but like it's about like there's a certain resilience needed, and that resilience, I think, for me comes from embracing what's actually happening in your life and and and owning it, and that like to me, that's that's powerful. Like to own this is where I am today, and there's nowhere else I am. This is actually where I am, and I'm gonna be and start from this place versus try and start from somewhere else, some fucking unicorn land in the future that doesn't exist.

SPEAKER_02: 53:28

When you talk about the denial, it just reminded me of like that's a stage of grief. And even the embracing is would is a stage of grief, right? So it feels like you know, if we if we think about grief in terms of someone dying, like the metaphor someone dying, it seems easier. So at first, is that that denial is just kind of like, I can't believe they've gone, I can't believe they're not here, or and and all that really is is it's the shock is a bit too much for your system to digest. It's in the process of digesting the you know, here today, one day, gone tomorrow, right? It is a fucking strange phenomenon. And I think there's something in that denial, um, because it's grief, you said endings, beginnings, the grief of the ending. We've done several episodes, I think, on grief and endings, because to be honest with you, that's very present in our lives all the bloody time. And it would be if you if you're if you're actually growing, healing, changing, transforming, so it will be real it'll be in yours as well. Um but it's like um, yeah, denials, what I heard, a stage of it. And then the other thing I want to say is about stages of life, and I like I like various frameworks, and I I I tap into different um systems and frameworks, not to like dogmatically follow them, but I actually find them really, really helpful for reminding me of the real nature of life, you know. Because I know some you know, I've followed things like some uh numerological numerological nine-year cycle, love that shit, human design. And the thing is, you know, for people not not people that listen to us here necessarily, but for people who poo-poo that kind of shit, just pay attention to what they believe in. Because they believe in that bullshit that's totally not fake, of like humans as a machine, you know, and stuff like that. And it's like that's that's like that's so unreal, it's unbelievable. Like what you have to do to yourself to make that real is dehumanize, is literally dehumanising yourself. And if you're gonna dehumanize yourself, it's gonna make it fucking easy to dehumanize other people, and I think that is the what we're living in this world right now, right? Just fucking we need to we can't beat dehumanisation with more fucking dehumanisation. We need rehumanisation, and it's a shame that we even need to rehumanize ourselves, yeah? And the people on this planet that don't need to do that don't live in a fucking West. Yeah? So just let's be real about what value system are we are we working with? But with the numerological nine-year cycle, which we've also mentioned in previous um podcasts, which is like a nine-year cycle, one one being the beginning, nine being the end, and like imagine that arc. Um you're in your year one, right? So you're at literally even at the beginning of a cycle, of a new nine-year cycle. You've just finished off an old cycle, and now a new one is starting. You probably don't even know what this new one's going to be about just yet. You know, you don't generally get that information in this year, you know, generally speaking. I'm in my year seven, and year seven is a very reflective year, you know, and it's a year with a lot of spiritual growth, a lot of learning. It's a very slow year, it's not really an outward year. And I I just like it because it's like imagine if you don't have that information and you are trying to, you know, you're in a close enough period, and you're trying to um harvest, you know, and it's like it's not no, so I'm not using the right word, am I? You know I'm not a farmer, guys in it.

SPEAKER_04: 57:14

Well, I think right, I think we always have to bring the farming metaphor, don't we? And then we butcher it and then we get there in the end. That's how our episodes go.

SPEAKER_01: 57:22

We're city girls. City girls trying to talk about farms, no business. Are you a farmer? Is that a bit of straw? You're bit there. I grew up on a farm. Is that a straw? You got this?

SPEAKER_04: 57:33

An incense stick. I'm a spiritual farmer. I like that. Yeah, it's true. I can get in the mud, I can get my heels on, I can get into the clouds, I can do it all.

SPEAKER_01: 57:47

What's the what what sound do farmers make?

SPEAKER_04: 57:49

I'm trying to think like a West Country farmer.

SPEAKER_01: 57:54

Same same.

SPEAKER_04: 57:56

What I was gonna say about yeah, I find that the framework of the nine year cycle so helpful. And you have really introduced me to that and sort of uh maintained it because you actually introduced me to the framework, like at the beginning of my last nine-year cycle. I remember being in bed with um a partner at the time, and and you'd sent me, it was like New Year's Day, and you'd sent me, I think it was my year two, maybe, and you were like, Oh, you're in your year two, read this. And I remember reading it out, and that was like eight years ago. So um you've been really shepherding me through this last, you know, nine years in the beginning. I was kind of like, Yeah, you know, that you know, I'm not really that. Um, I'm not gonna look this up myself. But now, after, you know, really kind of finding it extremely helpful, I'm now, you know, I I feel like it's something that I really appreciated as I transitioned from year nine to year one. And, you know, you've said to me on multiple occasions, like, you know, year one, like not much really happens, you know, like if I'm being really real, a lot has actually happened this year. Not like in I would say a huge, hugely progressive way, but we're nine months into the year, my year could end. I'd be like, cool, enough's happened. You know, I don't really need the last quarter. Like it actually has been a year of continuing the endings, and I have had, as I shared earlier, like you know, new sprouts over the horizon. It's actually enough when I slow down and I feel into how much I feel I've received, experienced, seen, worked through in my year one, I feel good. I feel like that's it's good, it's a great start. It's a great sign of things to come. As I said, I don't really know what's to come, but it's a great sign of what's to come. And I do think that um to use your analogy of like trying to harvest in a year nine or something, I think is what you said. Like for me in a year one, it would be like me, I don't know, buying a house, having a baby, getting married. Oh, you know, in like a year one, and being like, yeah, okay, great, let's do it. All now. It just wouldn't be fun. Oh, you mean in your specific life, not in general? Yeah, like in it in my, you know, with where I'm at, being like, oh my god, okay, great. Year one, let's do everything all at once. It's like no, no, no, you're you're you're actually laying the foundations for the next nine years, yes, and you know, I really did uproot the whole foundation of my life, so I'm rebuilding that foundation.

SPEAKER_02: 1:00:28

Yes, I love that. Love that, yeah. It's fantastic. I love it. It helps me with everything, like so many things, because otherwise we default to whatever we default to. Yeah, you know, we've been so conditioned with certain this is good, this is bad. Oh, I don't know, someone says something. Oh, I've um yeah, we were talking about this the other day with Bob. It's like if I that's why I don't really speak to people that much anymore because I find it really hard. I'm really not that interested in um speaking to general people anymore. I just don't enjoy it. And the reason why I don't enjoy it is because I just not I'm just too I'm nearly 50, babes. Like I'm really not here for the human bullshit anymore. Like I can't be you can't even bother to play along. Why don't you Start taking the mask off, you you can't just put it back on. It's like in pieces, but it's things like I want to be able to say oh yeah, I don't have much clarity at the moment. And the default of the ex the what's the one the default of like clarity is good and not having clarity is bad, and it's like um yeah, everyone's hooked into this game that it's like, oh I'm not playing that game, like I'm okay, like it's cool, don't solve me. I just said that I don't have clarity, I don't feel like I'm gonna never have clarity again. Chill bitch, like I'm okay, yeah. Yeah, you know, and then it's just like oh god, I just this is too much effort. I didn't say anything, I didn't say and that's a problem. Yeah, right. So if you hear that as that's a problem, you think it's a problem, not me. So I can only be now really be bothered to talk to people who don't. It's honestly I cannot even tell you how tiring it is for me, you know, because I'm also not really gonna just have small talk talk. I d I just I saw this um meme the other day, it was an autistic meme, but I love it, and it was like um a song, they made up a song, and it was like, Don't don't make up what I didn't say. Did I send that to you? Do you see it? And it's so true, you know, and yeah, I know you know I'm a little tismy myself, but it's like, yeah, is that it's like I didn't fucking say that. What have they gone on for? I didn't say any of that. All I just said was I'm not so sure right now. Especially, especially the coaches, especially the fucking coaches. What can you what can you do to be sure? Bitch, fuck off with your question. Did I ask you to coach me? Like, you're go away. Why are you trying to go away? You know, so um anyway, I just feel like I'm just moaning, babes. But you know what? I'm not apologizing for it. I'm perimenopausal, I've been through a lot, I'm stressed, I'm living that sandwich generation life, I'm not trying to be nice, I'm not, it's not in my value system, and I'm unmasked. So deal with it. Or don't.

SPEAKER_01: 1:03:27

You're literally free to not so if you're still here now, you like people, you like it. Don't fight it.

SPEAKER_04: 1:03:41

Perfecto. Well, it's good to be back, babes. It's so good to be back. Yeah, lovely conversation, and thank you for everyone for listening and being with us on this journey. We love our listeners, we love getting the messages, and uh yeah, even in our period of time off, you know, I bumped into people like my butcher, big up David. Big up man like David. When's the episode coming out? When's the next one? I'm like, gotta give us some time, David. We're in we're incubating.

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:09

We don't know.

SPEAKER_04: 1:04:10

We don't know, David. But here we go. Um, and so I think we have in our time off, um, you know, I've had I've had quite a few people ask me and I've sent them the podcast, and so people have been enjoying going back. We love that. We love that the the juicy podcast just sits there as this beautiful resource for you whenever you need it. Um, and uh yeah, I'm excited that we're bringing fresh new life in the room.

SPEAKER_02: 1:04:33

Yes. Season two, people, we're gonna have guests this year as well, this yeah, this season. So bear with us. We don't have a plan, we're playing, and we're proud that we don't have a plan. And don't try and give us a plan. Why don't you have a plan? We don't want to we're spiritual farmers, we don't know what we're doing. Yeah, I'm not sure you're a spiritual farmer. I don't feel like that.

SPEAKER_01: 1:04:54

Doesn't feel like the doesn't feel like the archetype for the kids. I mean I get it, I get it.

SPEAKER_02: 1:05:03

No, I know you're not, you're not you're London Galper. I don't know, I don't even know where most stuff comes from. Supermarket? I'm really into farming, I'm really into it. I'm getting more into it. I love that babe. You don't farm though.

SPEAKER_04: 1:05:15

Babe, what does it mean to be very into farming? I visit farms, I get my food from farms. I love Parkson's Farm the show. Um I can spell in the country. I live in the countryside, I want my own farm one day. I know the French for farm. Yeah, I'm big into farming, so and farming metaphors, so yeah.

SPEAKER_02: 1:05:37

Okay, no, I get it. It's just there's a part of me that thinks if you're big into farming, like you're you're a farmer. That's how I see it. I love it, but I get it. No, archetypally, yeah.

SPEAKER_04: 1:05:50

Uh, it is hard, you know. I don't think my partner's really on board with having a farm, but we're working on it.

SPEAKER_02: 1:05:57

Maybe he's maybe he's not a spiritual farmer. Um, we bid you adieu until next time. Take care of yourselves and each other. Love you. Bye. Love you.

unknown: 1:06:12

Bye.