Ep. 11: Vulnerability and Cultivating Genuine Connections in the Age of Social Media

What happens when you honor your vulnerability and listen to your body? Today, Lola and Olivia share their decision to postpone a highly sensitive conversation, highlighting the importance of moving at a pace that respects personal readiness. 

Olivia opens up about her internal struggle between seizing the moment and respecting her own sensitivity, ultimately emphasizing the wisdom in waiting until the timing feels right. Our discussion underlines the necessity of self-compassion and the invaluable practice of sacred pauses.

We then journey into the transformative world of somatic coaching, where aligning our fast-paced minds with our more grounded bodies becomes a vital tool for self-awareness. By creating non-judgmental space for our physical sensations, we uncover hidden tensions and allow them to settle naturally. This practice nurtures a deeper connection with our inner strength and sensitivity, especially amidst external chaos. Lola and Olivia share personal insights on maintaining this inner balance, showcasing the immense power of intentional presence and self-care.

Our conversation also navigates the intricate terrain of expressing vulnerability in online spaces. From examining cultural influences on how pain is shared, to the authenticity of social media posts, we question and critique the varying degrees of genuine connection. Reflecting on the evolution of social media and its impact on personal well-being, we highlight the importance of curating a feed that truly resonates with individual interests. Lastly, we discuss practical techniques for embracing the practice of pausing, especially during times of high stress, encouraging listeners to incorporate these mindful moments into their daily lives.

Chapters

• 1:19 Vulnerability and Compassion in Podcasting
• 8:20 Honoring Vulnerability and Sacred Pauses
• 24:21 Navigating Vulnerability in Online Spaces
• 33:33 Navigating Social Media and Self-Expression
• 44:27 Navigating Social Media and Authenticity
• 1:03:08 The Power of the Pause

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:19

hello, hello, welcome back to the juicy podcast. Um, I'm one of your hosts, lola feyemi hello, hello, welcome back my darlings.

Speaker 1: 1:29

It's olivia your mic sounds fantastic, babe, it really does anyways. So, peoples, what are we gonna be talking about today? So today we were just we actually did have something planned for you all, and we will talk about another time and actually I got a hit about speaking about the process that just happened for us and then seeing where that goes. Okay, so that's what we're doing. So I'm not going to say no, don't share the topic, right, we don't need to share the topic just yet, but got a really one wonderful juicy topic coming up for you in the future. But I had a potential. I wasn't sure. I was like I don't know, maybe it's not today, but I definitely know we're going to talk about it.

Speaker 1: 2:17

I had a little check-in before we got on the call, like you know where we both at, how we both feeling a little tender, a little vulnerable. A little check-in before we got on the call, like you know where we both at, how we both feeling a little tender, a little vulnerable, a little tired. And Liv mentioned that about the vulnerability and also the vulnerability of what we're going to be initially planned to talk about, and so I reminded her because, as we need to remind each other times sometimes because it's hard for us to remember ourselves that we don't have to do that today. You know we can do this another time and Liv said, no, it's fine, I can do it today. But there was something in that I thought can we just check in? So I was like, can we just check first? You know, I wanted to make sure we're not that there was no overriding of our. It's just where we were like maybe we were actually too tender to speak about that today, but I wasn't sure.

Speaker 1: 3:17

Um, and actually it's a topic that's a little bit more tender, I think, for you, right, because I'm sorry, this is so awful. I'd hate it if I was listening. I'd be like, just tell me already what you're talking about, the thing that we're not going to talk about today, but we're going to keep referencing. And so Liv took some time out, felt into it and was like, yep, okay, not today, there's some stuff I need to do first. And so, yeah, this is where we are today. So that was just a quick synopsis of just where we're starting from. We're going deeper. Anything you want to add there? Liv?

Speaker 2: 3:58

yeah, I appreciate the uh. Yeah, I appreciate the first of all the topic that shall not be named.

Speaker 2: 4:08

I'm really I'm grateful that we even put it on the table as a topic. It is very vulnerable for me to talk about right now. It's personal, it's delicate, it's exposing and also extremely honest and beautiful. I think, like I can't wait actually for the moment where we I and we feel ready to go there. I think it will be a really like fruitful, juicy, rich, important conversation. I think we are definitely going to have it.

Speaker 2: 4:41

I think that when you asked me to feel into it just then, I was like really tuned in, slow, right down, was like putting my attention on my body, and I had these two kind of voices. One was like just go for it, like come on, like you, this doesn't need to be like a cooked thing. Like you can just share where you're at with this and you know some of the things you're learning. And then I felt that that part get a bit scarce of like well, you know, this is such a feminine process we're in with the pod. Like what if this just never comes back around again and I never get a chance to talk about this? I, I should take it. This is the opportunity. You should go jump off the cliff. And I was like, oof, okay, that part's feeling loud. But then there was this other part that was like slow down, girl, like slow down, like this is. So, you know, when I put it in the context of my life right now and some of the life choices I am making to honor my sensitivity and honor my desire for what I want in my life and I'm in a very exquisite process with myself right now that's, I think, moving at a pace that's right for me.

Speaker 2: 6:00

And in that moment I got to choose between, like the part of me that you know, the sort of show pony part that's just like, yeah, let's just go. This is such a juicy topic, like give it to them, and then, like the human me that's like no, this is really personal and I'm really in a long process with this, and so there really is no rush and I actually got the um. I got the hit to write first and you know, both Lola and I are both sub stackers, um, and we're really like long form. People, like you know, sit with something and really let it marinate, and I think that's really my first step to revealing some of this is really probably going to be there, and then, at a different moment, when it's ripe for us to bring here, we'll bring it. I trust that. So, yeah, I think that it's like.

Speaker 2: 6:55

You know, the theme that's emerging from the process we've just had together is is is just how, how different it is to not override the self and to have compassion. You know, I heard last night, I heard myself say last night compassion is a beautiful thing, compassion for the self is a really beautiful thing, and compassion for the self, for me in this moment looks like, you know, it's okay to not have, you know, not share something before I'm ready to share it.

Speaker 1: 7:30

Good, I love that babe.

Speaker 1: 7:32

So thank you and we're so excited to share it with you, like we are chomping at the bit because it is so juicy and I've been sharing it in my world with people and it's been stimulating so many really interesting conversations, like, and we want to do it some justice. I feel like I want to put the word some in there. I want to do it some justice, you know, and I reckon it'll be more way, more than one episode as well um, it really is you, you know, it's a big, it's a biggie. Anyway, I'm going to stop teasing it now because it must be so irritating. I would hate it. Why I said, like hold on, let's just check there was because there was a reason behind that.

Speaker 1: 8:20

And I've been doing some really really, really cool work with a new coach, um, really somatic based. I've been working with somatic coaches for a number of years and doing somatic work for about a decade now. Right, and somatic work is really really slow work. It's going at the pace of your body. The mind wants to go really really fast all the time and that's the nature of the mind. Right, that's what the mind mind's doing. What the mind does, it's that element. It's elementally, it's like air, right, it's quick, and then the body is much more earth. Right, it's much slower. Things take longer time to materialize, and I want to. I want to also be really mindful of using words like quick and slow in a with any form of judgment. I want to just yeah, I just want to name that for myself out loud. Actually, I want to just say those words within. They're just descriptors, right, we're not saying one is better or worse than the other. They both have their place and acknowledging that we have a backdrop of living in a world that values quick over slow as well. Okay, so all of that's in there, and one of the things that is really making a difference, I think, in terms of this work I'm doing at the moment, is this feeling of like feeling settled in my own skin. Right, and a lot of the work with this coach is that is kind of like stopping and pausing and definitely upfront, so what.

Speaker 1: 10:03

I'm always blown away with people that work like this, and I do it myself as well, with my clients, I suppose. But it's that kind of my. My mind wants to always go fast. My mind is fast, right, it is. It's got the ADHD, it's got a motor that's always fucking on and then often my poor body's just being lugged around, you know, by this speedy Gonzales mind and at the beginning of each session, when it's like, okay, just take a minute to arrive, you know, just land, take as long as you need.

Speaker 1: 10:36

And I'm always blown away by, sometimes, a feeling that I have in me a bit of tension, a bit of nervousness, a jitteriness, that when I'm in me a bit of tension, a bit of nervousness, a jitteriness, that when I'm in the throes of doing and moving and I want to get rid of it, how do I get rid of it? Like, what can I do to get rid of it? What can I take? What can I do? Actually, it tends to just settle when I give it a little bit of space and it's, it doesn't take long. I'm talking about five minutes of actually just that the space has been held for me. That really helps. Of course I you know the permission is there like, take time you need, let's tune in.

Speaker 1: 11:16

And where we end up focusing on the session is often different from where I initially wanted to focus, which is usually based on what my mind wants or is trying to fix, you know. So that was so obviously, what's happened then was lives. My friend, I care for her, right, and I know things are going on in her world and there's some big biggy, big biggy, big biggy things going on in your world right now. Right, and I could also feel, you know, she's talking about the vulnerability and the tenderness she's feeling today, which feels perfect, like there's nothing wrong with that. It's like, yes, this is perfect, this feels exactly where you're supposed to be right now, felt very pure and I just felt like whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's just honor this, because so we've, most of us, have been conditioned to just not take care of our creamy core. You know, not even have any connection to our creamy core. You know, and I'm here to take a stand for especially women, right, staying, reconnecting, you know, to their creamy core, having access to their creamy core. It is our power. Sensitivity is a massive gift. It's not fragility, it's not woundedness.

Speaker 1: 12:33

And you, just this morning, to me you felt like a bud. You know, like a new little bud, and I'm not a gardener before I mash up this metaphor, but you know, it's like, apparently, if you've got a new little bud that is going to grow into something, a bush or something, I don't know if bud's growing to bushes, but anyways you get the gist. Um, it has to be protected. You know, you protect certain plants over the winter months from the harshness of the climate until the spirit. I just had that feeling of like and maybe you might have tuned in and it might be. No, I actually want to do this today from this vulnerable place. There's nothing wrong with that, neither. What was important was the pause, the take in a minute oh, the pause.

Speaker 2: 13:29

Oh, I just want to, uh, yeah, the creamy core piece. Yes, that really brought like tears to my eyes, thank you, it's so somewhat poetic, like as you were sharing and that beautiful reflection. Something happened in my house. Like part of what's challenging me right now is my environment. There's quite a lot happening in my family. My mum just burst in to the room and in a panic and told me someone's outside asking for me or some brand, and I was like I'm recording, uh, and I was like I'm actually just gonna sit here and like connect back into this, this, this energy we're in together and not get taken out by that, because it's constant. There's a constant kind of other things that are wanting to pull me out of my creamy, creamy, soft inner process, and that's been happening since the moment I woke up this morning. There's just been sort of chaos around me wanting to like speed me up or distract me or you know sort of a little bit of a harsh element to my environment today where I'm just like fuck, I'm so sensitive I can't engage with that at the level that other people are able to engage with it. So I just want to honor that for a second, just like wow, oh, literally, as you were saying that the like total opposite was happening around me. Um, this pause is such a beautiful phrase, like as as I think we talked about a couple of episodes ago I was sharing about, you know, the sacred pause right now that I'm navigating creatively and in my business where I'm like really putting everything down. I'm like a you know, a couple of weeks on from that process since we last recorded yesterday I actually closed down my online school, like officially, like you know where it was housed and living. It's like now the doors are closed and it like no longer exists in that form, right, and that was a big moment for me and you I was sort of engaging with, like lots of former students messaged me and just like really really feeling like I'm very slowly sort of bringing as I'm comfortable sharing, like bringing people along for the ride. I'm really thinking about pause in like a metaphorical sense of like a life pause and, you know, in this sense, like a momentary pause in our process this morning and I was also thinking about last night.

Speaker 2: 16:21

You know, some people who have been in my field know for, who have known me for a long time, I'm a big uh 12-step fellowship person. I have a lot of gratitude for um the 12-step fellowships and I've been in an Al-Anon fellowship for a long time but haven't been back. Haven't been back, for, you know, consistently for four years in France. I never went um to any of the uh the meetings that were there, and yesterday I just had this hit like it's time to go back to your like OG meeting. You know, if any of you, any of you're in fellowship, you know there's sort of like that one meeting. Maybe it was the first meeting you ever went to, the first time you ever stepped foot in the doors.

Speaker 2: 16:57

And for anyone that doesn't know what 12 step is, it's um, you know, most famously, alcoholics Anonymous the one that I have frequented is Al-Anon, which is for, you know, family and friends of those that are affected by the disease of alcoholism has been a really big one in my um, my wider ecosystem, and in the meeting last night there was a couple of moments of pause where, you know, the room was filled, about 40 people there and which is big, you know it's never really been in meetings that big in my local area but there was a couple of moments where no one talked and we all just sat there.

Speaker 2: 17:47

Um, and a lot of what this, the fellowship work, is, is really about finding a spiritual practice again, finding a sense of faith and hope.

Speaker 2: 17:59

Um, you know, when you're confronted with very challenging circumstances, situations, and as I was sat there, I was thinking, I feel like I'm enveloped right now in this silence and this pause. I feel like, as we all stop talking and, you know, maybe the mind slows down for a second and in this moment there's nothing that needs to be said, but so much is being said by the fact that we're not saying anything. It really gave me a breath and a moment to appreciate what it felt like to be in a room full of people where we're all there for healing, we're all there for connection, we're all there for support. Um, it touched something in my heart which I think is why I feel so tender this morning. It touched something in my heart which I think is why I feel so tender this morning. It touched this, this sense of I belong somewhere, I'm tethered to something, I'm known, people care, and I think we need that.

Speaker 1: 19:05

I love that babe. I love that so much because after Liv came out of her meeting yesterday, she sent me a note, a voice note, as we do, and I listened to it this morning after I and it's I yeah anyway, I won't go into that yet, but, um, I listened to it this morning after I'd done my practices and it was just, it was just such a beautiful message, it was so nourishing. You know, it was very last night you coming out of that meeting and I could hear, you know, as my friend, I was like, oh yeah, she just got some nutrient there that she could only get there and that she needed. You know, um, people going through something like that, you, you all understand that something's happening over there. This is working for you. You know that fellowship piece, you know that community, that fellowship piece, like community is a word that's bandied around a lot.

Speaker 1: 20:06

I find, um, it isn't just a group of people coming together. I think that's what people think it is. It's like a shit. It's so much more than that to have proper community. And what I heard was you being in proper community for you, right, and I love that distinction you mentioned there between the show pony. You said at the beginning of the episode. You said something about the show pony, which is like for me. The word I would use is like sort of the part of me that wants to impress. You know, some people would use the word ego. We all have this element to ourselves, right? Johnny? Big Bollocks, johnny.

Speaker 2: 20:53

Yeah, it's a man. It's a man.

Speaker 1: 20:59

But you know, johnny Big Bollocks side of us, it's like I'll do this and I do that and we're, you know, an impressive press. Very different from owning and valuing, you know, because there's nothing wrong for about, you know, sort of tooting your own horn. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, um, but this is different. It's almost like a weapon, you know, and you made that distinction. What was it between a show pony?

Speaker 2: 21:23

well, I've just got I didn't say this at the time, but I've got show pony versus slow pony oh god, okay, as you can hear from Liv's voice, she's very happy with that basically from your voice. You don't like it. You're like what the fuck are you talking about? I was happy, I was like I got it.

Speaker 1: 21:45

As long as it resonates with you, that's the most important thing yeah, show pony versus slow pony um, or soul pony.

Speaker 2: 21:56

That's not really working, is it?

Speaker 1: 21:59

it doesn't, just saying it doesn't have to be a pony.

Speaker 2: 22:04

I can't remember specifically what I said, but I think you know it's really about like, uh, you know the part of me that is so like tender, I don't, I don't want to be. I don't want. I don't want to be um working and showing myself. I'm private, I'm in my own space, in my own self. Not everything's for consumption, oh babes 100%, girl.

Speaker 1: 22:35

Yes, Not everything is for consumption. Do not let Instagram, Facebook X, TikTok any of those motherfuckers tell you different, Not, and I'm an ADHD-er and even I'm aware that we're living in the fucking era of the overshare.

Speaker 2: 22:55

Yeah for sure, right For sure, and I'm recovering from that. You know, I think that I'm in a bit of a pendulum swing moment of of I've shared so much of myself and, and you know, a lot of that is from a generous place of service and and you know like, you know we're writers and you know, uh, creators and teachers and holders, and you know, part of the practice of that is sharing our process and, you know, leaving little nuggets for others to find and some of it is ego impressing and, you know, like chasing the carrot the next hit and wanting to be someone I think a lot of it is what I get a hit of is, like, a lot of it is attention seeking, and I think vulnerability is very important.

Speaker 1: 23:46

Like we know that Brene Brown has hammered it down. We got it. I hope we've got it. Actually, I'm not sure people actually do have it, if I'm honest with you. But vulnerability one of the things I suppose I want to say here about vulnerability and the importance of it is there's a whole distinction around oversharing is actually not vulnerability at all. Yeah, how you know, how you know if you're being vulnerable, is that vulnerability actually creates connection. True vulnerability creates connection.

Speaker 1: 24:22

Okay, sometimes I see things on social media and I'm not honest, I don't I don't mean this in a judgy way actually makes me feel quite sad. But, like, sometimes I get this, I start thinking about what's happened before the video and after the video. That's kind of where I go to. So sometimes I've seen people put stuff up about I don't know. I just don't get it, because I think, okay, if I'm really upset, okay, so I'm what, I'm putting my, putting my camera on and I'm filming. I don't, I don't get it. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 24:55

Some of the videos, I think you'll see someone who's like oh, this is what it looks like I don't know, like this thing of like, hey, everyone I know thinks I was so shiny on social media. I want to show you something not so shiny and I just feel like I don't believe you babes. And then it's like well, hold on a minute, I feel like you've, at some point, you've had to put your. Did you? Was you crying before you put your filming on? Or did you put the camera on and then you started to cry after? Do you know what I mean? It's like there's something about that.

Speaker 1: 25:24

I'm like this isn't making any sense to me and I don't feel connected to you. I actually feel sorry for you. I feel like, babe, do you need some friends? Like you know, there's other things. That is making me feel, and I do, and I do think that don't get me wrong, different people attract different things. I do think that sometimes, if you do that, you are also going to attract those kind of people as well. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, you know this is our business, this is the industry we're in, and I've seen a lot of people perform vulnerability or assume fragility, and woundedness is vulnerability and we all have we have, we all have fragile parts, we all have wounded parts, but, like I don't know, it's just something about like we've some of these concepts.

Speaker 1: 26:15

It's not like we learn them and then we move on. You have to go deeper. They get more layered, they get. They're not tick box exercises, you know, I and the reason why I'm saying this is because of how I, how I know that I come across. Okay, I know that, generally speaking, because I've heard this. People have told me people don't get vulnerability from me. Right, they don't get that. That's not what they get up from. However, people who I recognise have a very healthy relationship with their vulnerability see my vulnerability right, vulnerability right, and it's I'm.

Speaker 1: 27:09

It's one of those things of not presenting in the way that people want, and I think there's a lot about the way things are presented that, for me, have really culturally influenced. Yeah, as a black woman, we don't show, I don't show my vulnerability in the same way as a white woman. I don't. It's not a tent, I'm not going to collapse on the floor or you know whatever that is, but vulnerability is a different thing. I mentioned, I'm just remembering, when we worked in the prisons. There was this whole piece. Actually there was this um, one of the um they call them governors, it's like she was a manager kind of thing, senior manager, manager, let's say. But one of them, she was an Asian lady, indian origin, and so because of that lens, she brought something to this Young Offenders Institute that this was like groundbreaking information for them, and it was that what she was finding was that self-harm was something that was tending to happen mostly in the white population of the prisoners, generally speaking, and because the black prisoners, the black young boys, didn't really tend to self-harm like that, they didn't recognise that they had a different cry for help.

Speaker 1: 28:26

And the minute she I don't know what she did. Maybe she did some research, I don't know what she did, but this hit home to the other people of like some people will harm internally themselves and some people will harm others, but sometimes it's coming from the same issue, right, and so that's what I mean about culturally. It's like the cultural bias of like, oh no, this poor person over here hurting themselves, but this person over here hurting other people. We have zero empathy, compassion or or anything, or understanding for what's going, what could be going on here. We just put it in the bad bucket and keep it moving Right. And one of my favorite quotes and I don't know who actually said it, but I used to really come back to this quote all the time when I was doing that work was sometimes the kids that need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving ways no-transcript.

Speaker 2: 29:36

You shared that with me recently. That helps me understand, like relate and understand to something that's been happening quite closely around me. Yeah, it's interesting. What I'm hearing you say is like the context in which vulnerability is shared really matters. So not all vulnerability is created equal. Like what would be vulnerable for one person is so different to what would be vulnerable. Like we're not coming at it with the same level of ease and safety and accessibility.

Speaker 2: 30:06

And I think on the internet, you know the internet's sort of like level playing field, everything out but it's a byproduct of the society and culture that we live and this, this thing, you know, like straddling what's performing versus what's a true expression of somebody's experience right now, what's a true expression of pain that we need to be paying attention to. Like I think we're just warped in. You know this. We're sort of like in an environment right now where it's so hard for people to feel what's real. That example you gave about, you know, the prison environment doesn't anything. Anything can get realer than that. Right, that's such a like anecdotally important piece of information that really paints a picture in a very, very clear way.

Speaker 2: 31:05

I think when we bring in the internet, which is how you know, a lot of people are finding their source of connection and belonging, even the, even the people that are, oh, I'm definitely of the generation that's been brought up in front of the camera, but I'm definitely, you know, I'm, you know, I think I'm millennial, tail end of millennial, and you know, camera phones were created when I was about 12, 13, like 20 years.

Speaker 2: 31:49

I've had of this Social media Facebook, like that was all existing when I was a teenager ones like manufacturing an image was very, and how you were perceived and characterized online was very instrumental into social status, safety, belonging, coolness, um. And then, obviously, you know, I went on to have a career where my public profile is tied to my profession and, um, it's a blessing and a curse, I think, what I'm feeling now as I take time away from having any obligation to show up and create and serve and, you know, to teach online, be someone online. I think that to teach online, be someone online, I think that we're a traumatized group of people anyway, and I think there's also a massive disparity in the level of trauma we're experiencing, based on so many different factors. And then you're putting everyone in front of a fucking camera and saying hey, like perform bitch, do this it. The effect I think it has on people's nervous systems and relationship with themselves is is enormous, and forget what it has. That's not even considering the relationship that it affects in with each other.

Speaker 1: 33:18

It's like even just what it does to our relationship with ourselves yeah, I don't know what it's like for it to come in at such a formative age and I'm really aware of that. I can tell that I'm having a different relationship. I remember like some years, years back, talking to our mate, bob, and saying why are they shouting? They're all shouting online. They're just shouting all the fucking time. There was a stage where it felt like everyone just shouting like why are they shouting? And he was just went to me because there's like so many messages all the time now that I think they feel like they have to shout to be heard. Right, it's kind of busy, it's really busy, and if that's the place, the pond that you're playing in, then you know at some point you just want to shout louder, kind of thing. But let's be real as well. Yeah, like I don't a lot of this stuff. The issues existed before social media. I'm not someone that's just here to bash social media because it's. I think it's about cultivating your relationship with it yourself. You know um, and that might take a minute to figure out what that is and it might change, but you know we, when you were talking about the um cultivating a thing online and a presence online and then how that's related to your status. It actually just reminded me of the concept of like an avatar, right, which is, you know, like you've got this, you've got you over here, back here, and then you've got this image that you're projecting to the world, right, and but that's a concept that happened, that's. That's a concept that we do as human beings, like. That's a thing, that's always been a thing. You know, from a healthy level of being concerned about your reputation to a more calculating, you know, um, level of like my brand's my brand. I've got to, you know, if you're a really famous person, um, you know, if you think back in the day, like the kind of Michael Jackson was obviously very into that kind of stuff and actually I don't feel like it now. It's just so, everywhere now, everyone's doing it all the time, you know, even people that, and nobody are doing it, right, people come off reality tv shows, whatever it's all this. Well, lipstick on a pig is coming into my mind again, you know. But it's this kind of thing, right, and that's okay, because it's a healthy element of like. You know, what do I want to project into the world? And I don't mean that in a fake way, I mean that in a intentional way, in a conscious and intentional way, because I don't believe everything is for the world. I did not believe that for a second, but I think for me, me, you know, when the nub was for me, because I loved it too.

Speaker 1: 36:03

You know, facebook came in. I remember when Facebook came in, it was like 2007. And I didn't know what it was at first, and then I loved it. I was like this is great. Oh my God, you know, you get to connect with all because we didn't have, you know, we didn't, it wasn't there before. So how old was I? I was about nearly 30, so I've just come up to my. It's like 28, 30, 28, 29 type thing. And or 20, yeah, 29, 30. So I've been out of secondary school a long time but all of a sudden, it's like connecting with all these people that I went to school with, it's like, oh my god, you know, we had a great time and oh, what are they up to? And oh my god, and seeing their kids, and even like some old primary school friends, man, you know. And it's like, yeah, that was so exciting.

Speaker 1: 36:53

And then I used to commute a lot, used to travel a lot and commute a lot and be out in the world a lot, and so I used to be a lot. I used to travel a lot and commute a lot and be out in the world a lot, and so I used to be a big reader magazines and books. They slowly got phased out and I'd be on my phone and I'd be posting and I'd be sharing. I think also I felt like I was doing some kind of service because I'm quite an entertaining person, so I would just kind of it would just spill, it would just spill over like that entertainingness, and you know I'd be having a right laugh online with with um ranting and just you know, the normal stuff.

Speaker 1: 37:28

And I think when the penny dropped for me was and you know, get into it. So it's my birthday, all these messages, great, it's my son's birthday and I've got, I've put a picture of everyone. I want to see where he's at now and you know, and I kind of wanted to see other people's as well Like, oh, my God, he's getting so big. This is amazing, oh, you know. Oh, this person's parents pass. That's really sad. You know, there's just all of this beautiful there without at the time it's my kind of connection. You know, I didn't know I had adhd then. So it worked for me because I didn't really have the time and attention span for keeping up all these friendships in any kind of real way, you know. But this worked, you know.

Speaker 1: 38:11

And then we went on holiday one year and I remember just this feeling of like I feel like I should be posting pictures and I do not want to. And it was the weirdest feeling of like. I felt this strong urge, like I'm on holiday and I need to let people know I'm on holiday and I need to send them pictures of, and I felt a bit like I don't want to send them. I think for me, the minute, I definitely have a thing, a sort of thing where I feel like, if I feel like, if I feel like I have to do something, oh it becomes now something I do not want to do anymore and it slipped into this, it slips out of the fun and into this obligation. It was horrible and heavy.

Speaker 1: 38:54

And then I had a few years of this detangling myself from it, right, and that was hard because everyone's got their relationship with it. It's like doing money work, you know, working on money, working on your relationship with money, which is your relationship? It doesn't. It's not going to be like someone else's talking to other people about theirs. Sometimes for me, it's not you. Most of the time actually not. Sometimes it's not useful because it actually just feels like it infects me from what I'm trying to do, and that's what this felt like. It felt like oh, my god, I don't want to do this anymore and I don't know how to. I don't know how to get out of it. I feel a bit obligated, um, and now I've found a way to make it work, but yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 39:47

I think you know I really I mean I relate to every single thing you're saying. I think that it's been a good ride, like there's, so I can't imagine life without it. You know I can't imagine. You know, you know I can't imagine. You know I'm still an active Facebook user, ish, and I'm still an Instagram user on a reg, on the reg, and you know both of those platforms have really uh, I'm a big people person.

Speaker 2: 40:18

I like connection. I like knowing, I like I'm interested in people's lives. I like connection, I like knowing, I like I'm interested in people's lives. I like knowing things about people. I like sharing things about myself. I love, you know, the volume of connection that's available in those kinds of places and you know I've also grown a beautiful livelihood on these platforms. Like it's enabled me to do the thing I'm good at and do it well and build community and find you know I've found so many amazing soul family clients through them finding me online it, you know I I think that is um there's. You know a large portion of it. That's a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2: 40:57

I was actually talking about this yesterday with with a client of mine.

Speaker 2: 41:02

We were having this long conversation about social media and like the creative expression, the tool, like what is it the tool?

Speaker 2: 41:11

And understanding it as a tool and experimenting with it as a tool and experimenting with it as a tool, creatively experimenting with it as a tool socially. I definitely go through stages of like deleting it and really having a break and then coming back when I feel refreshed, like I love to just fully remove it, and I'm especially like that when I'm in too much consumption, and it's definitely been harder now that I'm not creating as much and using it for creative purposes, uh, which was fun, and I sort of get off on that and I would enjoy the process of creating, making stuff. Now I'm barely doing that. So sometimes I'm like I'm just consuming other people's stuff and you know I've really had to be so mindful of what I'm watching, reading, consuming. I mean, it's so easy to just be numbed out and not and not aware of, like you know what, what kind of um, kind of energy is in my mouth. You know what I mean and indoctrinated as well.

Speaker 1: 42:17

I think there's a piece around, so many pieces. This isn't there and I love what you're saying because the community piece yes, I love that, like whatever community you. So I follow a lot of neurodiverse accounts about autism and ADHD and things like that. I particularly the autism stuff I'm I learned so much, yeah, and I really appreciate the. Um, some of the autism creators out there, autistic creators out there that are talking about their own experience, especially the young lads, because I've got a young lad I don't know why I'm saying lad, I'm not from the north, I don't know what's going on but the young, young lads but you know, because I know my sister would take the piss at me for that but, um, yeah, the they, they share stuff.

Speaker 1: 43:11

That has been like so eye-opening for me because I'm curious to increasingly learn about potentially more about what my son and other family members are experiencing, what life is like for them in ways actually they can't articulate. Also, hearing other parents with autistic kids is just oh, I cannot even tell you what a fucking soothing balm that is for me, like wow, and then just even and even, just, like the comments of other parents in the same. There's something about that it's like okay, there's a lot of other people in the same position as me. I wish I wouldn't know if these things didn't exist. Right, because all I know, you know, people ask you questions around kids. Obviously, it makes sense, based on neurotypical norms, right? What are you doing this summer?

Speaker 1: 44:07

You know, things are like this doesn't really kind of work like that for us, actually, you know, and so that I think what I'm talking, what I'm getting at here for me, is around the conscious piece. I think what I'm talking, what I'm getting at here for me, is around the conscious piece. It's that it's being conscious and intentional about it and discerning. Here we go, our good friend discernment. Again, I don't follow, actually, coaches.

Speaker 1: 44:34

You know, I even deleted my old LinkedIn for that reason. I just had a shit ton of coaches on there and I was like cause, obviously I'd had that for God knows how many years. And then I was just, I mean, I don't even like linkedin, but I maintain a presence there. Um, I do like some stuff, I promise you, um, but I deleted it and started again purposefully because I'm so, I just didn't want any more of these boring, motherfucking coaches on my fucking pages. It was like boring, basic, unimaginative shit, in my opinion, to me, okay, um, and so what? I? So? Instagram is my social media of choice these days. I don't bother with Facebook as well. Again, actually, yeah.

Speaker 1: 45:18

I fell out of it. I don't like hearing about lots of other people's lives. My life is full of my own life and I find that being too connected to other people's lives energetically it's not good man. Honestly, it's not a good look when and and we get used to it and I don't think it's an energy thing. I think when we clear the energy of other people out of our systems and fill our own system, I think then it's then we really understand what it's doing to us to constantly, when it's not just, it's not just simply interacting with things out there. It's something. Something else is going on on an energetic level. You're picking up a lot of stuff. It's like being clean and then going around and rolling in a bunch of mud. It's something like that is happening and I think we kind of feel that on a certain level. That's why. That's why we have breaks or we delete it sometimes, like you're saying all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1: 46:13

Right, my preferred way of dealing with Instagram these days is um, I follow a lot of comedians. I follow a lot of neurodiverse creators. I also follow some kind of like somatic, sort of trauma-informed type people, because I love all that as well. Deep work, proper deep oh, and I love a sort of decolonized lens of therapy, helping this kind of thing. And in my I'm in my stories I basically just send out things I find funny in my story, in my story every day, every morning, nice new stashes and right oh mate sometimes I just go through our threads it's so funny, just for a laugh.

Speaker 2: 47:04

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 47:04

No, we've got a good thing going there, yeah you know, I've got a little, we've got a little inner circle on rotation I send memes to and they just make me laugh so much, you know, and um, so it's about that, it's just about it. I think it's find a way to make it joyful for you, whatever that means yeah, for sure.

Speaker 2: 47:24

I think that the um, yeah, I'm also just anything. That's a laugh, you know, that is so this the internet is so creative. There is some hilarious shit. There is some hilarious shit and I do think I get a lot of source of my like losing my shit. Hysterics from reels and on instagram yeah, and sent by also a select inner circle you, katherine and my brother. That's like. I've got other people I I try and lure in with a funny. They just don't just get nothing back there's no, oh, fuck them not all right, you're boring.

Speaker 2: 48:03

I do keep trying every now and again.

Speaker 1: 48:04

So kind of then I just get nothing.

Speaker 2: 48:06

So, anyway, you, sean and Catherine, are very reciprocal and it's a constant flow, uh, which I really appreciate because it's just like same kind of humor. But each one of you's got a different, slightly different flavor of like either like grotesque or ridiculous, or like sweet or funny. You know, everyone's got their own flavor, so it nourishes different parts of me. Um, yeah, I've been going through this, this, this, this transition with Instagram. I appreciate hearing who you're like, your kind of categorization, if you want to call it that, like I'm in a bit of a transitionary moment with it. I I have a lot of my in-person community on there, like, and there's hundreds of people like people that I see a couple times a year in real life cut people, friends that are all over the world.

Speaker 2: 48:58

I've got a lot of actual people that aren't internet friends, that are real friends, and there's a lot of them and I'm like I like seeing their lives, I like seeing what they're up to, but there's so many that sometimes I wish I kind of followed none of them. But it's kind of my way of keeping in touch. We don't really have each other's numbers. Sometimes you actually communicate through there. So I've got my people and I'm always in a bit of a like oh, I don't know if this is what I want to be consuming.

Speaker 2: 49:24

I love you, but I'd rather we you picked up the phone and we had a chat versus like me, seeing your life through this means a lot of my I've followed, I've unfollowed a lot of my like peers and coaches. Um yeah, absolutely no shade. Love them, but it's like I actually don't want to be consuming other people's work that is similar or, you know, like like former things I've been connected to, so that's felt really nice. It's hard to do that. You're like I love you, but I actually don't want to follow you on here and so I've done a lot of that um.

Speaker 2: 49:58

And then I have some of the themes I like um, also humor, um, I really love. I follow some really beautiful women creators really in the realm of like motherhood, um, a lot of like um, uh, women's health, like medicinal women's health, um, I've learned a lot. I really learned a lot and I appreciate um the. You know I like to read and I'm someone like you know. I post long form on Instagram. I've always done that and I have sort of an, a dedicated corner of readers that love a post with five comments, with a massive piece, and they seem to really enjoy that. So I like people that sort of post like that, that that puts like substance on there, um.

Speaker 2: 50:49

But I've really transitioned most of my reading over to the substax. I find it's obviously more designed for that, um. So, yeah, I like, I like to learn, I like to laugh and I like to see how other people are living, um, but I'm in a constant like I haven't perfected it. It doesn't feel like I've landed in a place where it's like exactly what I want to be consuming, but it reflects the transition I'm in yeah that's where I'm at and it is transition, isn't it?

Speaker 1: 51:20

I think it does transition at different times. Like I said, there was a time in my life where I was just very on it and loved it and really enjoyed it and enjoyed being um, seeing what was going on in people's lives, and then I then it wasn't, then I just didn't, then I caring. I think there's a balance to be struck for me somewhere around what it is to authentically share or something. There's something that I'm sniffing and circling around and I've been circling for a while, which I don't really haven't landed anywhere, just around like what? Because I get it, there are people I don't know what's the language I want to use here. I think it's like just sharing. Like the same way I'm saying about the autism people that make autistic content and how it's really helped me and normalize so much and validated. I appreciate that I also kind of, in my work as a coach, kind of speak for quite a niche in the market my people are my people.

Speaker 1: 52:32

you know what I mean and I love my people. I fucking. If everyone in the world was like my people, I would would have no problem, yeah, but you know they're not. So my people are amazing. I love them and there's something about me just speaking to them. I don't do that enough online for sure you know yeah.

Speaker 2: 52:53

Can you just describe a bit more about your people?

Speaker 1: 52:59

My people are. They tend to be women. They tend to be women of color. They're not always, but I tend to find that the white women who are drawn to me, uh, I don't know, I don't know if they're drawn to that, something about that messaging they get it. That is for them or something. My women tend to be unconventional. They think in different ways A lot of the time.

Speaker 1: 53:33

I find that I was thinking about this this morning because my clients always kind of have this feeling that there's more to life than this or um, something's off, something's not quite right, like they're not buying the bullshit. I suppose it's their version of feeling like the emperor's got no clothes on. How come everyone else is, you know, pretending that he's wearing clothes right and everyone's like, no, no, he's wearing clothes. You're the problem. You're the problem, he's wearing clothes. Why are you causing problems? That's their, that's generally their life experience, right, and somehow they fight and that's the piece. It's like there is a piece there around speaking to things like that, their experience and then somehow they find me and in the process they become validated of their unique, unconventional, unconventional, authentic expression. They're usually sitting on a. They use. I mean, they're usually really talented women.

Speaker 1: 54:36

My women are, um, their work is usually to soften, not harden, right. So I think that you get women that kind of come in two directions into this, into our kind of work. Some come from a too soft place and they need to learn boundaries and resilience and things like that. And then some come from a kind of more hardened place and they need to learn to soften into their vulnerability and um, their kind of warmth and things like that. Um, I, my women tend to come from the hard direction. I'm really good at women who are, you know, like that. So what they've tended to do, they've hardened to survive, um, and then they've it's. It's just not working. It's got to a stage where it's not working. So they're very resourceful, they're very capable, they've got a lot of talent and a lot of kind of skill that they've learned along the way.

Speaker 1: 55:32

They often look great to people from the outside as well. People from the outside are always like, oh, what an impressive woman. But inside she knows that there's so much more um inside of her that she's almost like not even got started yet. What she's never really done is applied all of this wonderful talent to something that actually matters to her. You know, march, the beat of her own actual drum. So a lot of our work is unlearning, busting bullshit, busting myths. You know, march, the beat of her own actual drum.

Speaker 1: 56:00

So a lot of our work is unlearning, busting bullshit, busting myths. You know, um, really sinking into the energetics, the spiritual, the somatic, releasing trauma and liberating liber. It's like a liberation so that they can actually what's liberating first, but it's really about living, it's really about living and it's liberating first, but it's really about living. It's really about living and it's really about giving back. And the reason why I tend to go, I love working with women of colour, because there's just certain things as one myself, there's just certain things in us one.

Speaker 1: 56:45

But I just think that the sort of disease, let's call it, of some of the oppressive systems that have so-called favored certain people to end, how you look at it, has put some people, I think, into more of a prison than others, and so for me, actually, people of color are still quite connected to their kind of indigeneity and strength, like it's in there, you just it's just in there, their sense of community, like you don't have to teach, and so it's like, and it's coming from our perspective. I'm always like that's, that's the baseline, that's the sort of standard in my work. You know we're not. We're not honoring whiteness. It's just not what we're doing. It's not our aim. You know, as in the uh culture, the culture of whiteness, not not the skin color.

Speaker 1: 57:33

Look it up and don't come at me if you've got an issue that's a literally don't care. So yeah, those. That's some information about my peeps oh, thank you, they're wicked yeah it's beautiful to listen to.

Speaker 2: 57:53

Yeah, it's like really needed, babe, this work is it really is, yeah, pioneering needed for the soul, for the substance for the world as well.

Speaker 1: 58:05

The world needs it. That's, that's what the thing is really for me. The little, the little stealth um stealth need that I'm meeting is global beautiful.

Speaker 2: 58:20

Well, big up to lola's peeps listening.

Speaker 1: 58:23

We love you yeah, you'll be hearing more about them soon in the world. They're just doing such really cool things, really different, cool, interesting, giving birth to really fantastic ideas, organisations, creations. I love them, I really do. I love my clients.

Speaker 2: 58:42

Yeah, that's beautiful.

Speaker 1: 58:47

Are we enveloped in the silence? Let's envelop in the silence. I feel like we're giving you permission to um take a pause.

Speaker 2: 59:37

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 59:40

Nothing bad has ever happened from you taking a pause, but lots of bad things have happened from you not taking a pause there's this beautiful uh.

Speaker 2: 59:59

The theme last night in the al-anon meeting was acronyms and there's all these like hilarious and beautifully helpful fellowship acronyms, and one of them in Al-Anon is retreat, rethink and respond. The three R's.

Speaker 1: 1:00:23

Retreat and respond.

Speaker 2: 1:00:26

Retreat.

Speaker 1: 1:00:27

So this is like something's happening activated tough moment conflict, take a pause and then you retreat, and then you rethink, and then you respond love that yeah, it's beautiful, I didn't get the rethink part for some reason I don't know if that was me or the audio could have been my attention span. Retreat, rethink, respond. You know I have an image of like a turtle going into. You know you've got some of those animals like turtles and snails that have shells and will pull back and retreat into that shell. You know if they feel some sort of threat.

Speaker 2: 1:01:21

Yeah, I think like, uh, this is like the theme that I was hearing last night was really around time and how the time we give ourselves is really a healer and you know, so often our relationship with time can really get in the way. And so a pause, like just even in this moment of us taking a pause and we've talked about it, it's been kind of a running theme rethinking things and taking a moment and retreating back in and like being with the self for just a little bit longer. I often say to my clients, when we're trying to work with the repatterning of something like just growing like a second, more capacity to be in this comfort of a situation, like this sort of micro moments of of building our capacity to navigate time differently it's so important, and I know that I always say that I'm part cheetah, part sloth, and there's nothing in between, you know.

Speaker 1: 1:02:28

So when I'm in the sloth mode, which I've been in for the last few years because of hormones and shit, but it's everything's really slow. I think I need super duper slow, right. And also then there's another part of me that's like a cheater and will be super fast, super efficient. For a short period of time though, right, it's like a sprint and that's just how it is. You know, there is no kind of, just just to be clear, there is no like, and I'm aiming to find the middle ground. No, no, no, I'm not doing that, I'm okay with this and it's like, just working with it is so much better way to use my energy.

Speaker 1: 1:03:08

And so I would say what I've learned, because I was used to spend much more time in my cheetah and try and like be as much of as a cheetah as possible. Right, it's those times even more when you need the pause. So it's like there's something about the times when you really think you haven't got the time for the pause. Oh, that's when you need it the most. Yes, yes, and I get that can be so hard I. Stopping is so hard.

Speaker 1: 1:03:38

Stopping is always hard for me, like I can't stop when I'm like for thinking, I'm pretending to stop and I watch myself and I'm like I'm still fucking moving, I can't stop, I can't stop. And again, we know it's an ADHD thing. Um, was it Ferrari? Adhd is like having a Ferrari with a push bike brakes yeah, my god, yeah, so good.

Speaker 2: 1:04:07

It's such a great articulation of the experience of it. Yeah, one, uh, I feel like inspired to share a question as sort of like a closing note for our listeners. It's a beautiful episode. Before I do that, I wanted to say that our one of the coaches you and I do like to follow is Simone Grace Soul. We talk about Simone a lot and she said something a few months ago that I really it really landed beautifully for me around.

Speaker 2: 1:04:46

Like when we stop, we're usually detoxing and it feels like shit. So, like the, you know, when we're like going, going and we're we're in reactivity to life, right, so we're like, um, stress, we're like high on the stress of something, and then suddenly we're like someone's like just take a fucking breath. You're like fuck off, I didn't want to fucking take a breath. Like that requires this sort of coming into feeling and I think that where we started today, last night, I took a massive breath and a pause and I sat, just felt myself for a couple of hours. This morning I woke up and I was like oh, oh, that's opened. It's opened some real tender feelings. It's really had like touched something inside.

Speaker 2: 1:05:36

It doesn't feel necessarily that. Good Right, it doesn't feel like. It feels like really uncomfortable. It feels sort of like mucky right now and painful, a little bit painful. But that's the important things, right like that's what I want to be feeling. I don't want to not be feeling that, um and so yeah, just a reminder that sometimes the pause can feel a little bit uncomfortable, especially if we're speeding around, running from running from that feeling perhaps yes yeah, that part, yeah, yeah, um, so yeah, simple question I feel inspired to share and obviously I'm curious what you have to say.

Speaker 2: 1:06:18

but the question is where, where or what in your life has been asking you for a pause?

Speaker 1: 1:06:36

Where could you do with a pause. Where my mind went was just about do we, do we recognize it when we need to pause? Sometimes that bit is even a massive deal recognizing so you might not even know where you need to pause.

Speaker 1: 1:06:54

I'm guessing you don't know, right? Yeah, yeah, I would say what's been most useful in terms of the practice of pausing is that to have a practice of pausing, yeah, right just through the day, pausing proper, like and what I mean by proper is that because you can even get into, like the. So there's doing the pause and it's like the energy of pausing. So not doing the pausing like, I'm doing the pause now for the next minute. Okay, I've done the pause and I'm going to carry on what I'm doing when you haven't actually paused. Like the pause is almost like a. It's that settling I talked about at the beginning. It's like you know, if it's for me, what, how I do it is the one that really sorts me out is hand on my chest, hand on my belly yeah, always yeah, always provides me with just this support, just feeling the warmth, closing my eyes and just taking a breath or not one more, like five.

Speaker 1: 1:08:00

and something different happens after five and sometimes I need more than that. Sometimes I need more, like I don't know, 20, right, but I kind of know after a while. You know the feeling, once you've got the pause in you, you know when you've paused and when you haven't paused, and it's almost like you have to slow everything right down. Whatever you was doing, you kind of pull yourself out of that slow right down, come to a complete stop for a small moment in time, basically, and then you get going again. That's how you know you've paused, but you have to. It has to go all the way to kind of I've stopped, you know it stopped inside, I'm everything's kind of calmed down, settled, and then I think I think maybe that's what has to happen. First, you have to kind of build the muscle first of all, if you don't have a practice of pausing, even to recognise when you need to.

Speaker 2: 1:09:01

Absolutely love that babe yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:09:03

We just want to keep going. Yeah, do you know what I mean? That's the real thing. It's like we want to keep going and we're encouraged to keep going. Come live, what you're doing, we're gonna do, we're gonna do, we're gonna do. You know, if you're not doing something, it's kind of like there's a bit of a judgment about like you're not, you're not doing anything. Then the pause.

Speaker 2: 1:09:27

Well, there we go the pause Well there we go.

Speaker 1: 1:09:41

Pause and motion. Thank you for your attention today.

Speaker 2: 1:09:50

Go forth and pause. I just want to say that we love you. We love and appreciate our beautiful listeners, wherever you are finding us, finding this, finding our juicy podcast. Thank you so much for being a part of this co-creation with us. It's a beautiful thing we've got going on here till next time people ciao, ciao.